"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage."
- Maya Angelou
I used to think that confidence was an intrinsic quality that some of us are born with (Maybelline!) and others just...aren't, like height or great hair.
For years, I lamented that I had seemingly been skipped on the assembly belt when God dropped in dollops of swagger -- I've always been exceptionally self-conscious, an imaginative over-thinker with an aversion to risk (which probably explains why I'm a lawyer).
But during my mid-twenties it began to dawn on me that, although some of us generally feel surer of ourselves than others, confidence isn't constant after all-- it's more like a muscle that can be built but must be used.
In general, we are most confident when doing something we've successfully done before. In fact, I don't know if we think about our most confident actions as an exercise of confidence because they are so second-nature -- for instance, tying your shoes, reciting your ABCs, applying eyeliner. At one point in our lives (for me on that last one, up until my aforementioned mid-twenties), each of these tasks seemed daunting, took a lot of conscious thought and probably introduced some fear.
Now, we do them unthinkingly and our confidence in our ability to complete second-nature tasks transcends to other situations. I could tie my shoes live on Good Morning America, on a boat, at the fair, here or there --you get the idea...anywhere!
But what about when we are faced with an entirely new challenge? Something that we haven't done before or that we don't feel we have enough expertise or experience to know whether we can or will succeed?
The trick is to expand our notions of our own abilities by consciously remembering and referencing our moments of strength. A confidence reference is a powerful, intentional memory of a time you have done something well. The idea is to remember to take the time to make a list of past successes (confidence references) and then expand the application of those successes to a new, daunting task.
Step One: Remember. Remembering our successes is difficult, both on the front and back end. Firstly, because we tend to forget or minimize our accomplishments. After the adrenaline rush and wash of relief following a presentation, it's easy to forget the good feedback. What's usually more memorable is the annoying-ass question from Susan or the memory of the one person you really wanted to impress absent-mindedly checking email. And secondly, because when faced with a new and/or unexpected challenge, we (well, I, at least) often go into panic mode and think about the worst possible outcome rather than the immediate next step.
So the first step is to remember. Write your triumphs down, in detail, just as soon as they land. Before Susan takes the wind out of your sails or a new email comes in. Take the moment to remember the whole journey, not just the destination. Remember your own doubt, remember the butterflies in your stomach, the clamminess of your palms and the shakiness of your breath. Remember the time it took, the late nights and missed meals. Remember how hard you worked for this and congratulate yourself. Grasp and hold your own moment in the sun -- it belongs to you.
Step Two: Reference. The second step is that when faced with a difficult task, you must make the reference. If your thoughts are swirling and threatening to flush you down a negative spiral with them, take a deep breath (more on breathing in another post) and think of a time when you have accomplished something similar.
Break the task at hand down into the little pieces of skills and effort that it will take. If the challenge is a memo on a short time frame on a subject with which you aren't familiar -- break it down to writing, research, timing and judgment:
- Have you ever written something well before? Yes? Well perhaps you can do this.
- Have you ever successfully researched something before? Yes? Now it is looking even more likely that you can do this.
- Have you ever managed a tight deadline before (either by managing expectations or meeting the expectation)? Yes? Well your chances look good.
- Have you ever made the right judgment call with limited information? Yes? Well then you should feel good about the odds, here. You got this!
PRACTICAL IMPLICATION: Try using the "Notes" app on your phone (or somewhere else that's easily accessible) and keep a running list of confidence references. If you're freaking out, as soon as practicable, make yourself read it and change your energy before you face a new challenge.
P.S.
As a note -- if you're anything like me, the natural inclination during Step 2 (Reference) is that your little self-conscious-ass-mind-which-is-the-whole-reason-we-even-have-to-do-this-whole-thing-to-begin-with will pipe up just as you're almost convinced--"BUT what about that time when your memo had that horrible typo even though you read it over 35 times (including backwards just to make sure)?" And to that I want you to say, "I'm not saying that I can do this perfectly, I am saying that there's a lot of evidence that I can do this well." And then be kind to yourself. You got this!